Top 5 Scariest Video Game Clowns

Stephen King’s “It” has been very popular over the last couple of weeks and is killing the game in terms of Box Office ticket sales. Not one to allow a good google keyword opportunity to pass me by I have curated a list of the scariest video game clowns.

Clowns are fun, they make jokes and do stunts. They are always ready to prank you and usually carry a huge amount of props in small pockets, what’s not to love?

Well it seems like not a lot actually, I struggle to think of clown portrayals in media that aren’t either tragic (e.g. Krusty the Clown) or absolutely terrifying like Pennywise from It. Video games are pretty shallow and love an archetype so obviously they’ve been on the spooky clown bandwagon for years.

Anyway lets get this (side) show on the road, I’ll rate each one on the fear scale of 10 (with 10 being the scariest).

5. Uncharted Multiplayer Clowns

These guys are at the top of list because they arent really that scary on the surface. They are just the games standard mercenary type enemies but they are dressed as clowns. The Uncharted Clowns are as scary as a man who is hell bent on shooting you (still pretty scary) but they don’t really work the clowning angle very much.

Built out of a reference in UC’s story where leading man Drake says he has a clown phobia, I assume this means the other characters arent that bothered by their make-up and goofiness.

I give them a couple of squirting flowers out of ten.

4. Zombie Clowns (Left 4 Dead 2)

In Left 4 Dead you and your mates get attacked by zombies relentlessly forever until you beat the stage or you die. They run up to you and punch you square in the face which stops you in your tracks until you clear the way. 

Each campaign has it’s own special type of enemy and Dark Carnival features clown zombies who can attract other zombies with the sound of their footsteps. So imagine a bunch of clowns running towards  you with bleeding orifices and squeeky, honking shoes. When you hit them in the face their noses honk as well which is a right laugh.

Unfortunately the clowns appear in what I think is L4Ds worst campaign ever which includes a part where you have to run along a roller coaster track which isnt fun or clever.

I give the L4D boys a big pair of trousers out of ten.

3. Needles Kane (Twisted Metal)

Twisted Metal is the hardcore goth version of Mario Kart. You drive around in different vehicles with their own stats/quirks and pick up weapons (actual guns) to shoot at each other.

Needles Kane is the face of the franchise. He is a clown with a head that is constantly on fire (terrifying) and kills shit loads of people all the time. By competing in Twisted Metals car combat league, he hopes to win a chance to live out his dream (as promised for the 1st place prize winner). His dream is to kill his only victim that got away, nice.

Not only this but Needles Kane drives the Sweet Tooth, a grimy ice cream truck with a flaming head on (obviously) that can turn in to a robot and stomp around killing people. He’s also the head honcho of a gang of murderous clowns, ingeniously named The Clowns.

I give Needles Kane a tiny tricycle and a whoppee cushion out of ten (if you know what I mean).

2. Adam the Clown (Dead Rising)

Adam the Clown doesn’t win any points in the naming department but he makes up for it with high levels of insanity. Being stuck in a mall with 65,000 zombies is one thing, but being a completely human clown who has decided not to drop the facade during this time is something else.

Wielding two chainsaws (I can sort of see that these might be for juggling?) Adam forward rolls around the childrens play area the Willamette Mall in Capcom’s Dead Rising. He can blow up balloons full of gas, pirouette with his chainsaws outstretched, throw knives, breathe fire and to top it off, the zombies arent even fucking bothered that he is there. That is how scary he is, the undead don’t even want to mess with him.

Besting Adam in a fight is as easy as shooting him while he pumps his balloons full of gas, he meets a sticky end falling on to the business ends of his own chainsaws while hysterically laughing. The mini chainsaw is one of the best weapons in DR though, so thanks Adam.

Adam gets a custard pie, a silly sound effect and a prat fall out of ten.

1. Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg (PewDiePie)

You have probably heard of this clown by his stage name PewDiePie. PewDiePie can be seen online streaming games and making YouTube videos. Every so often PewDiePie does one of his racist joke bits; which creates insane rifts in New Media communities, makes old media hate videogames again and really brings the worst people out of the woodwork. Creepy.

Recently a whole host of gaming/new media personalities were rocked by PewDiePie’s racism online, causing (literally) hundreds of people to lose their jobs as YouTube advertisers scrambled away from what they deemed unsafe content. Then other Youtubers started to come out and say that Felix couldn’t be racist otherwise they wouldn’t like him, but it turned out they were racists too!

Pewdiepie is such an effective horror clown that his jokes and gags have actual real life consequences for people who have nothing to do with him. If you are rocked by one of his bits you can’t escape him either as he is constantly everywhere in gaming circles.

Online content creation had changed forever due to one of PewDiePie’s goofs but whatever, it was done. Until recently…

On Sunday afternoon; Mr DiePie threw the N-word into his clowning bit then corrected himself by saying he just meant “assholes” and forgot he was being watched. Get ready to get shaken up again everyone!

I give PewDiePie a drowning in a sea of balloon animals out of ten.

So this is it for my picks of scariest gaming clowns, let us know if we missed any of your favourites…

Sack, back and crack of the Last Life Club team. If you're reading a post by me about Capcom assume it is all biased, fraudulent lies.